I’m a regular contributor to John O’Farrell’s Newsbiscuit satirical website. Here are a few of my more recent ventings…
Cameron adds welfare recipients to ‘Axis of Evil’
Families legally claiming benefits under Britain’s welfare system have officially joined Kim Jung-un of North Korea and President Ahmadinejad of Iran to form part of the so-called ‘Axis of Evil’ threatening Western democracy. Read more…TOP
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Jeremy Paxman to present new series of It’s a Knockout
In a bid to place the BBC’s ailing light entertainment reputation in ‘safer hands’ the corporation has announced that irritable news anchor Jeremy Paxman will front its new It’s a Knockout programme, assisted by humourless war correspondent Orla Guerin. Read more…TOP
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Queen requests state burial in Waitrose car park
In a surprise announcement by Buckingham Palace, the Queen has asked to be interred in a new royal crypt built beneath the Crowthorne branch of upmarket food store Waitrose, ten miles from Windsor. Read more…TOP
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Laboratoires Garnier chosen to test Arafat remains
Palestinian leaders have chosen Laboratoires Garnier to conduct tests that will determine whether Yasser Arafat was poisoned. ‘We’ve seen their adverts and were very impressed.’ said a Palestinian official. ‘They clearly know what they are doing and are leaders in the western scientific community.’ Read more…TOP
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Rupert Bear mauls farmer to death defending Bill Badger from cull
Rupert the Bear has today been sedated by armed police and transferred to a secure pen after brutally killing a Nutwood farmer who tried to shoot the bear’s close pal, Bill Badger, as part of Government plans to cull badger populations and contain the spread of bovine TB. Read more…TOP
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Penguin admits cycling to win 100km ‘march’
A penguin who holds the record for being the fastest flightless bird to complete his arduous winter march between the ocean and ancestral breeding grounds has admitted to using a performance-enhancing bicycle to beat other penguins to the finish line. Read more…TOP
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‘We never visited because we hate The Carpenters’ say aliens
Aliens have confirmed that they’ve never landed on Earth because they can’t stomach easy listening music. ‘We buzzed a Lighthouse Family concert in Tunbridge Wells and thought “Has it really come to this?”’ said a spokesextraterrestrial. Read more…TOP
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Pope’s ex-butler pleads ‘lock me up’ after Vatican threatens ‘almighty kicking’
Former papal butler Paolo Gabriele has broken down in an Italian court and begged to be locked up, after receiving threats from the Vatican to ‘make that scene from Reservoir Dogs look like a Harvest fucking Festival.’ Read more…TOP
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Jamie’s 1-Minute Meals to include cold beans eaten straight from the tin
Chef Jamie Oliver has single-handedly banished our kitchen fears and re-educated our palates. Now his newest publication will include spooning cold baked beans straight from the tin into our mouths, and eating cheese slices direct from the supermarket carrier bag before you even get home. Read more…TOP
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Clash between Lib-Dem delegates and Brighton Guardian readers leaves two sad
A run-in between Liberal Democrat conference delegates and local Guardian readers in Brighton has left two people sad and dozens very upset. Local juggler Adrian Newmanly was rushed to a local alternative healthcare centre and is said to be fighting for his short-term happiness. Read more…TOP
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Yodel to offer choice of seasons for redelivery of parcels
Utterly useless courier business Yodel is to offer customers who missed their first delivery the choice of spring, summer, autumn or winter for Yodel to attempt the delivery again. ‘It’s about restructuring performance to more accurately reflect the low expectations of customers who never chose us in the first place,’ commented Yodel’s head of tardiness, Brett Holland. Read more…TOP
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World’s last ‘Trimphone impersonator’ dies, aged 97
Jim Hughes, the last person known to be able to accurately impersonate a 1970s Trimphone, has died at a nursing home in Cheshunt. ‘It was a big part of his life,’ said Jim’s nephew, Philip Hughes. ‘I can remember us all being round there on a Sunday afternoon watching the wrestling on ITV, and suddenly from behind his newspaper, he’d start warbling. Read more…TOP
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